When a Mother doesn't love you....
God has laid on my heart to write this blog to be transparent in this
area. I've been so transparent in the area of abuse I endured in my first
marriage. So what is different when it's from a Mother? What is different when
a Mother doesn't love you?
When I was a little girl I do not ever remember my Mother playing with me,
laughing with me or even really saying anything kind thing to me except once
when I was in high school she said she was proud of how I was captain of the pep
squad she went to one game in 3 years and said I did a good job at leading them
and that they actually listened to me. That is the only kind thing I ever
remember my Mother saying to me through out my entire life. My Mother was never
one to do much with me one on one. I do remember her reading Dr Seuss books
to me before my Dad and her got divorced she would always read to me as he was
getting ready to come home. She did enroll me in piano. But quit taking me
when she got involved with another man. Dance when I was younger but then told
me how I could not dance as well as my cousins who enrolled after I did. I was
enrolled in Gymnastics as well but her new husband at the time kept her so busy
she wouldn't let me go to my end of year program because he wanted to go and
shoot guns that Saturday. As it was I had to walk from school across the hwy to
go to gymnastic and then she flipped out because my Nana found out I was walking
it. She ended up pulling me out because of it.
You see my Mother was always so focussed on my Father and doing what ever
she could to attempt to force him to stay and then focussed on the next man in
her life it was like I was looked over, an inconvenience just in the way. My
younger brother now he, he was the apple of her eye. He hung the moon, he could
do no wrong. He was her world, her everything.
Becoming an adult and coming into motherhood is when I really started to
question my childhood. Thinking to myself more often than not how I could never
treat my children the way my Mother had treated me. I still did not dwell on it
in my early 20s. I just accepted and moved on and did not let the impact or
sink in.
It was after I left my ex husband who was very abusive that I realized who
my Mother really was. But before I get to that let me just give a few examples
of things to let you know how my Mother was.
I was always compared to my cousins constantly. Why couldn't I be like "xyz" and
match my clothes correctly this is when I was 4/5 yr old. She did it why
couldn't I. Why couldn't I make perfect grades like her. Now granted I was a
predominately straight A's maybe a few B's student until Jr High but I will get
to that and then again in high school I maintained a 3.99 GPA. Why wasn't I more
organized like so and so. Why was a not tiny and petite like her. Why did I
have to be like my Father.
My mother always told me I was less than everyone around me. Always
comparing me to everyone else. Never taking into regard my fears, insecurities,
doubts or feelings. I was basically told to shut up and suck it up and never to
tell anyone anything. Everything had to be 'private' and not repeated and I
could tell no one anything you didn't talk to people. Her greatest thing was
that you do not have friends and I needed to learn that I needed to learn that
there was no such thing as friends. Especially women could never have friends
because it wasn't possible.
I do not know what happened to my mother for her to feel so strongly about
that but she did. I also grew up with hearing her talk so poorly about her
sisters and her Mother. There was not a woman or female on earth that was worthy
unless she was comparing them to me because according to her I was the lowest
there was.
She use to spank me for the most ridiculous things. Like sitting by the
furnace one morning before school after I was dressed, teeth brushed, hair done
and even shoes on because I was cold. She said I should of been on the couch.
Now she never told me to go sit there she just said get ready. I got ready and
was cold and sat by the furnace. She beat me that morning and then blamed me for
making her cuss while she was beating me. She kept saying see what you made me
do??? Do you see what you make me do because you make me so mad. But I loved my
Moma I tried so hard to be who she wanted me to be for so long.
I will never forget being a little girl and crying because I was scared
after she and my Dad got divorced begging her to come and sleep in the bed with
her one night. She was single at the time and absolutely refused to allow it and
of course there was my 3 year old brother at the time snuggled up with her in
the bed while I was standing in her door way begging her to even just let me
sleep on the floor with my pillow and blanket. I grew up terrified of the dark
and that night I was so scared. I was so incredible scared and she so coldly
told me NO go to your room and shut up while she lay there holding my brother
closely.
I never blamed my brother I thought at least he got to feel loved and
cherished and told how great and wonderful he was.
I remember getting sick one night and not making it to the toilet to puke
but making it to the bathroom. I was about 9 maybe almost 10. She yelled and
yelled at me about not making it to the toilet and puking in her
bathroom floor. She screamed at me while I was throwing up more in the toilet
and tossed me towels and told me to figure it out and clean it up. That I had
never thought of anyone but myself and was selfish and needed to clean up the
mess I made and I did. I cleaned up my mess and puked some more in the toilet
and apologized the next day because she went back to bed with her new husband
while I fixed what I had messed up. But it was not good enough she gave me a
scrub brush and pinesol to scrub it better and then the mop.
I was told how at 10 I needed to stop eating because I would get hips like
my Aunt and I was told that I weighed more than an of my cousins. Now as a child
you don't think this way but I was the oldest out of all the grand kids
so hopefully I did weigh more than the younger kids below me. My weight was an
issue for her constantly. She harped on me for every piece of food in my
mouth. For how I was not petite. I was an average sized kid but to her I was
horrible and not tiny the way she was when she was a child. I was big and big
boned and fat. I heard it all my life about my weight and continued to hear it
from my ex husband.
I loved her I wanted her to love me too. It got really bad when her and my
Dad got divorced. She wanted me to testify against him. She wanted me to say
things. I wasn't sure of. She put me in the room with a judge who asked me
questions and I was a very shy child. She requested counseling for me in the
divorce agreement and then told me if I told the counselor anything she would
beat me that it was not the counselors business what went on in our house.
She finally quit taking me to counseling and said it was because of my Dad
not showing up but I remember one time I talked to the counselor I can still
remember in my mind doing it... I remember he said to make up a story and draw a
photo of that story .. I loved to write stories and draw... I was 8 years old I
told him a story and drew a photo. I couldn't tell you what story it was but I
remember the photo had a big blue blobby person in it. I called this blob blue.
Whatever it was I said I do remember she never took me back there to talk to
that counselor again. She was all kinds of angry and mad about it as well.
I'm sure you are thinking your Mother was not so bad. I'm not saying she
was horrible I'm just accounting for the fact that she did not love me as you
will see as I go on.
So my Mother is divorced. She marries a man. A man who no one could
believe she was marrying. I did not like him from day one. She had dated a few
guys. I had liked them all but not this one. He was mean to my dog. He teased
her was mean to her made her upset. She was a chicapeepoo (Chihuahua Pekinese
and poodle mix) She was tiny I had her since I was born. He was cruel to her
and they were not even married. I begged her not to marry him. I begged her
and cried. She told me that I was selfish that she had a right to be happy and
that I had always been such a selfish child that I was just like my Dad and just
like his sister and his mother just a mean little selfish girl. That she
deserved happiness and she was having it regardless of what I thought. I then
just silently cried and never said anything to her again.
So then it began. He use to beat my brother so badly and my brother does
not remember any of it at all. I will never forget one day at my Nana's he
knocked over a cup of milk on the counter and he immediately started crying and
crying and my Nana and Papa were so upset because they did not understand why he
was so upset and saying he was sorry. I told them because if he spills
something at home he gets beat by her husband. Of course that left me to get
beat when my Mother picked me up from there and they told her he better not lay
a hand on him again. Because I had told something that should not of been
said. I was the 'problem' it was my fault and I needed to learn to keep my
mouth shut.
My Mother worked nights sometimes. She would leave him alone with us. He
would turn off the electricity in the whole house and lock us in my room. My
room had a lock on the outside of the door knob. I got to where I hid a small
flash light hidden because I was so afraid of the dark. So that I would have
some light when he did that there was also a street light outside of my window
and I would open the curtain for light. Holding my brother scared to death
while he beat on the walls and door trying to scare me further.
I would tell my Mother who just didn't care. Told me to behave and maybe
it wouldn't happen. No big deal to her. It was always me I was the problem.
He put us in the car one night with his friends and pretended like he was going
to drive the car into the water at the doc I was terrified. My other fear. I
was scared of being trapped in a car in the water where it was dark. That same
night I'll never forget he chased a dog down in the road and I mean chased it
and ran it over. I cried and cried it was very disturbing to me. It scared me
so much seeing that poor dog run down. He told my Mother it was all a lie that
none of it happened that 'you know Hollie she is making up stories" My Mother
did not believe me of course. He never 'lied' he was always right.
When I was 11 years old he began molesting me. At the time I did not tell
my Mother but how she didn't know I will never understand. It was my job to
wake my brother up and get him ready to go in the mornings for school and I did.
But no longer did I take a bath, brush my hair or even teeth. I didn't
understand why I no longer cared then but as an adult I realize I was most
likely extremely depressed. I don't know how as a child I found the strength the
only thing I can say is my strength comes from God then and now. I started
keeping a baseball bat by my bed at night and putting a chair under my door to
hold it shut and put stuff in front of the chair to keep him out. I told him I
would break his knees with that bat if he ever touched me again and tell my Dad
what he was doing. I got very violent but only with him if he came anywhere
near me I would begin scratching him, hitting him punching him. He would
literally harass me every moment he was at home in one way or another. He never
hit me he hit my brother but he stopped molesting me when I threatened to tell
my Dad and never slept again without that bat by my bed.
He still said things to me... I look back and think how did my Mother not
know? At 10 and 11 he would say things like sit on my face! In front of my
mother? She would hear him. Honestly it makes me sick when I think about it. If
someone said that to my daughter at ANY age in my presence I would have an
issue. I was clueless had no idea what he meant at all as a young child. He
also would with my Mother present want to go to the beach when we had not
planned to several times and tell me that I could get in the water only if I
took my bra off. I never thought nothing of it as a child because I thought ok
well here Mom here is my bra. But I look back and think how innocent I was and
she did nothing to protect me. How sick he was and so thankful God gave me
strength and wisdom to make it stop because for so many it does not stop.
Time went on and we moved from everything and everyone I know to TX. He
was still harassing me but not molesting me to the point that one time the
neighbors called the cops because I was screaming at the top of my lungs like
someone was murdering me because he was throwing cups of water on me over and
over chasing me around the house now this was considered playing but then he
would sit on top of me and hold me down doing the same thing having my mother
bring cups of water over and over to pour on me. I had to 'know' this was
playing and fun and normal and it really was normal to me at this point. His
behavior was always right and always a joke. Yes the whole house was soaked and
did she ever tell him to grow up and stop? Nope not my Mother. It was perfectly
fine. If he was happy she was happy.
Moving to TX was a big deal. Once we moved there my Mother did not care
where I went or what I did. I'm thankful that I'm still alive and never got
into any trouble. I never drank or used drugs or anything even though I had
ample opportunity to do so. I remember being out at night walking home from the
theater across a major HWY at 2am sometimes later and not thinking anything of
it. I mean surely if it was not ok My Mother would of picked me up and not let
me do it. She didn't care if I went to school or not. I am thankful that I
went to school to get away from her husband. He use to always try to give me
alcohol I think that is why I never drank except once until after I was married
and moved away. I was to afraid to not be in my right mind around him.
My Mother's husband then told her he had a friend I was 13 his friend was
in the military. She told me I needed to go out with him. Now mind you yes he
was 19 near 20 years old. My Mother told me to go out with him. She sent us on
our 'first' date. Later I married him and he was very abusive for many years.
But that is not what this is about. She encouraged this relationship and pushed
me right into marrying him. I will never forget two of my friends. One when we
were sitting at the table playing card with him and my mother he was sliding his
foot up her leg as far as he could trying to touch her. She jumped up and we
went to my room. She tried to tell my mother he said we were lying and she
didn't believe us. He also grabbed another friends behind at a party I had at
the house. We didn't even bother trying to tell her because she wouldn't
listen.
As time went on I graduated high school a year early and I got married at
16 years old she signed for me (no I was not pregnant). I moved away. I still
called my Mother from time to time. Eventually moving back to our home town
where she had moved back too. At that time I was 21 my Mother came over one
night and broke down crying and telling me the abuse she had endured from her
husband my heart went out to her. I ached for her. I wanted to help her. I
was pregnant with my oldest son at the time. I will never forget our
conversation.
She told me she was so scared. See her husband had always had guns. I grew
up with guns laying everywhere. Guns on the coffee table, kitchen table,
bathroom sink, night stand all loaded and ready to shoot. He even had
'accidently' throughout the years shot them through walls very close to my
Mother and I. He had tons of them and re-loaded his own ammo. She told me that
if she ever ended up dead to please know even if a suicide note was left that
she would NEVER kill herself EVER. She told me she had walked in on him at his
gun store and he was having sex with the girl from the shop next door.
I was so afraid for her I knew what he had done to me. I knew what kind of
man he was. I was so scared for my mother and I wanted to help her. I took a
very deep breath and I let it all out. I told her about him molesting me
thinking ok she is going to her home and she is breaking up with him if I tell
her about what he did with me (I had 2 kids already at the time) she will surely
leave him she will not stay with him because I KNOW as a Mother that I would
leave in a minute it would give me strength to leave in a minute.
My Mother looked stunned and said are you sure. I said yes I never told
you because I didn't' think you would believe me but I wanted to give you
confirmation that he is no good and that you should leave. She drove out of my
driveway leaving my brother with me while she went to tell him she was leaving
him and I didn't hear from her until the next day. At that point she said she
had been wrong he was not having an affair that what she walked in on was not
them really having sex and then she wanted to talk to me in person.
She picked me and we went for a drive. She questioned me about him
molesting me and wanting to know who I had told I had told NO ONE but my ex
husband who I was married to at the time. I had not told a sole. She then got
angry and said well he is going to an attorney and I can't believe you he needs
to protect himself from you! I was looking at her in disbelief. I was looking at
her as if I had no clue what she meant. She then stopped her car and parked it
and looked me dead in the face and said "What makes you think my husband would
EVER want you???" "You will pay for spreading these lies you will pay for
making up this story and he has already talked to an attorney to protect himself
form you!!!!!" All I could do was cry.
I felt so horrible that I had thought she would care. That I had thought
she would believe me. That I had told my deep dark secret and she hated me for
it. I had only told her to 'help' her and all I had done was something wrong
again told her the truth to be called a liar and told me she would make me
pay???? For what? If he was so innocent then why was he at a lawyers office
protecting himself? From what? From the victim he molested. And how could my
Mother so blatantly write off her only daughter. She told me that she could not
possible leave him she was to old to find another man to start over. I cried
and cried. She told me I was pathetic and needed to stop being such a liar like
my Father. I asked her to please take me home and she did. She did not speak
to me for a long time. When she finally did it was strained and only at the
coaching of my Nana.
Of course I was so naive to forgive her so easily and just brush it off. I
kept saying she is my Mother surely she loves me. I allowed her back into my
life again. Only to be deeply hurt so much by her again. This seemed to be a
pattern with her for a few years after this. Her hurting me, me forging her and
opening up my life and heart to her again. She pretended to be there for me she
knew I was having problems in my marriage. My ex (current husband then) was
seeing a young girl of only 14 years old and he was 36. She was pretending to
talk to me about it and help me discover this and catch him. But when it come
down to it she wasn't helping me at all she was telling him everything I knew
everything I searched for every time I left my house looking for him. I won't
go into all the details of her betrayal. Her loathing for me. Her hate for me,
her only daughter. But it was strong. When it all came down one night I saw
the magnitude of her hate for me as she teamed up with him to start a course of
events to try and destroy my life.
Years went by and I ran into her husbands brother. He was very sweet. He
gave me a hug and told me how good it was to see me. He then said something
that was so empowering to me. He asked me how my Mother was. I said 'M' you
have no idea. I have not spoken to her for a very long time at that point. I
said I don't know why she hates me so much but she does now. He said 'Hollie
she has always treated you that way I watched you grow up with her treating you
like that, it was like she never loved you at all and wanted you gone' As those
words hit me slap in the face I knew in my heart that it was true. He started
saying do you remember when she did 'XYZ' and 'XYZ' It all came rushing back to
me in a very adult way of looking at things as if it was not me but it was me.
At that moment I had to realize that my Mother had never loved me. I know she
always said to me that I was the reason she had to marry my Father and for that
she could never forgive me. I don't' know if I was that naive that I did not
realize she meant it with all of her heart. That is was my fault she got
pregnant and had to get married. She loathed me from day one. Or if I was just
numb from all the negative hurtful things she said to me throughout my childhood
and early adult life. But it came crashing in on me with a very REAL realization
that My Mother Never Loved me.
My heart broke for many years in the realization that my Mother did not
love me and probably never had. She provided a home, clothes, food and in front
of relatives ohh my goodness she could win an Emmy because she is a professional
at playing the good Mother. Everyone thought/thinks she is just the sweetest
thing. Talk about sweet talking smiling from ear to ear southern charm. She
has it. Full force. But behind closed doors she is not like that AT ALL. She
puts on an awesome show though. I remember watching her as a child talk from
one person to the next on the phone and each one got a different story about
what ever she was talking about. Which was usually my Dad. With one she would
say this and with another she would say that and with the next one it was this.
Always weaving her story just so for that particular person. There was some
truth in the things she would tell them and then a web of lies outlining all the
rest. She was a master at the manipulation of sympathy from people. Being the
sweet innocent victim always.
I never quit looking at my children thinking how could she be that way to
me. How could she? But years went by and I thought I was past the hurt of it
all. The betrayal of a Mother not loving you is a deep wound and hard to forge
pass. Then one day. I made a comment on my oldest daughters Facebook about a
sucker, yes that is right a Lolly Pop. She attacked me flat out and her older
sister joined in. They said I was a horrible mother who starved my children and
never took care of them. It was like I was a child again being torn down and
ripped apart. I let them have at it and say what they wanted. I sat back and was
polite and even apologized on my daughter's page for all of things being posted
on there by them as they were spurting vindictiveness and hate towards me.
My Mother then blocked me and her 4 at the time youngest grand kids from
her Facebook. It's not like we were even friends on Facebook or my younger
children as it was. I had shielded them from her. I had left the
relationship... Made peace with what she had done and forgiven her. But after
all those years she was still so angry at me... So angry maybe because I was
brave enough to stand up and say He molested me Mom right under your nose. Or
maybe because I was STRONG! I FOUND my strength and I used it to get out of my
abusive relationship. I lost my world and I survived.
I came out fighting and I fought and I fought and I fought until I
collapsed then I had to get up and fought and fought and fought some more! I
made a life when everyone thought I would crumble. Now did I crumble with some
things that happened of course.... My heart ached and broke in 10 million pieces
because separating from your children when you love them with your entire heart
has to be the worse hurt and pain there ever could possible be!
At this point I have no clue why her anger is so fresh and her condemnation
is so fresh in her mind and life against me. I have no idea why her pain is
still so great and how she still wants to hurt me any way she can after all
these years. But I can proudly say that she could say or do anything to me at
this point in my life and it would not hurt me or phase me. I feel so sorry for
her. I have nothing but empathy for her that her life must be worse than it has
ever been with a man who still abuses her because Ladies, men do not just stop
abusing it only progresses as time goes by it's inevitable. Even with
intervention of batterers programs there is only a 3% chance of them changing.
I worry about her to a degree and hope that one day she has peace, happiness and
can really find love that she has always wanted and never had. No one deserves
to be abused. But as for me I have healed the wound that she left in my heart
of not having a Mother who loved her daughter and know that I will never
understand because I could never be her or do what she did. I wish her life to
spring forth happiness even if it's only for a short time. But I no longer
desire her love or acceptance nor do I need them to be a whole person.
You see in God I found that he is my Father and he is my Mother and he puts
people on earth that can be there for you when you can't have the basic human
things like a birth Mother who loves you. He will bring forth people who can
fill that void and love you as if you were theres as if they birthed you and for
that I am thankful. Just as Jesus said when they told him your Mother is
outside waiting for you. He said "Look around you these are my Mother's, my
sisters and my brothers" God heals all wounds and fills all voids. He places
in us and around us what we need and I know he has a purpose for all that we go
through.
In this it has given me the ability to reach out and 'Mother' others who
are hurting and in need. It has made me appreciate my own children 100xs more
than I ever thought possible. No one should ever have a Mother who does not
love them. But if they do - know that there is someone who can love you like a
Mother that God will place in your life. I thank God for the "Mothers" in my
life. My Nana, My Mom (Kim my Step-Mom) and many others that make me feel as if
they care like a Mother should for a daughter. That pray for me and with me and
love me with no only if's.
I hope that younger girls/woman I come in contact
with that are struggling with their Mothers that I can help them know that they
are fearfully and wonderfully made
by the creator and are the most beautiful person inside and out. That there
Mother does not determine their future or self worth. There are so many awesome
Mothers out there so I'm sure it's very hard to understand if you have not
experience this. But I think when we go through things we need to take them
and use them to reach those that are going through the same thing. Always
remember this is life and love and acceptance and beauty even when your Mother
doesn't love you.
