Abstract Chaos

I'm a 47 year old woman who still can feel like she is 6 years old.  This deep dark hurting inside sometimes slithers it's way up to my mind making me want to run - to hide - to cry - to scream - to yell - to force it out of my body - my mind - my soul - my very being.  It makes me feel weak like a scared child crying in the dark calling for the parent that should be there............

It makes me as a grown woman long for her father to just hug him and have him tell me the things that dads say.  You are loved, you are safe, you are beautiful and everything is going to be all right.  Something about a parents comfort even as an adult can make you feel like the world is alright.  It makes me want to run to him because he makes it all better. 

I was kept from him off and on and lied to about him so many years. Days filled with hateful words being said about him and said to me that I was just like him.  A mother slinging vile statements about my father then telling me I was just like him. Telling me she hated the way I looked because I looked just like him and telling me how ugly I was because I had his families lips, his side of the families hips and face.   

I think it made me love him more because surely he could love me since I was like him.  He did love me and suffered just as I did from the separation.  I was like him not because he was bad but because he had a heart so full of love just like I did.  His heart over flows and is giving and I was proud when
I had him back in my life to know I was like him.  Little did I know I would experience the same hell he had walked through with being separated from my children who were my heart when I fell into his arms as a woman in her 20s pregnant and missing her father with everything inside of her. 

But oh the wisdom he had for me, the love he had for me that took me through dark times of loss and devastation.  He just loved me it was that simple.  It was that easy.  All he had wanted was to be part of my life.The love he poured into me.  The love he showed me.  The love I needed.  The love no one else could give me that would help me heal some wounds that ran so deep I couldn't breath. 

So even on this day when life is not what I want it to be when it's tough and my emotions are welling up inside of me I want to run to him.  I want to hug him knowing that he is going through his own struggles right now.  Wishing I could make the world all better for him as well.  Knowing if I could do anything it would be to also take the deep wounds he has inside of him and make them all better.  The losses that he has experienced in his life I can't imagine but yet he gave his love to his daughter, to me, so freely no matter his own demons he was fighting.

As a mother my heart hurts so heavily wondering how much my own older children may feel in so many ways that I do.  Wishing I could remove any hurt that contains any part that was from being away from me.  Wishing I could pour enough love on the wounds to fill them to make them whole to make them not hurt if they hurt. Removing from them everything that is not filled with joyful happy thoughts.  Take all their pain give it to me. 

I don't know what is harder being in pain or watching those you love deeply being in pain.  One thing I do know is that to love deeply means to hurt deeply but to hurt deeply means to experience joy and happiness just as deeply. 

So now I'll dry my tears. I'll shove the darkness that tries to consume me right back where it came from and I'll smile, laugh even and walk through my day smiling so that others will not have to see what tries to consumes me.