Let's face it life is hard no matter how much money you have, how beautiful you are or how wonderful a husband/wife you have. I think we can lose who we are with all of life's twist and turns. I have had that happen for the second time in my life now. I am a pleaser. I want to please people. I like to make others happy. Do for them. Fulfil their desires. In that, I somewhere along the line began to adapt myself to who I thought everyone around me wanted/needed me to be. Frankly I'm very disappointed in myself.
I swore when I left my ex husband that I would never again lose myself to anyone. However somehow here I am again. Feeling like 'who am I' and 'where did I run off to'. Depression of course is a factor that has played a role in this but also things my husband has done really took it's course with me. I adapted thinking that if I did things differently then things would be different. Now by no means is my husband abusive. I'm a domestic violence counselor. I'm a formerly battered woman. I know abuse flat out. However I found myself adapting for him not because he asked me but because I wanted to. In the mist of this though I lost ME. I lost the woman that I prided myself in being. The strong independent woman who knows what she wants and goes after it. The confident woman who can maneuver with the best of them. I lost my style, my love for things, basically just totally lost everything there was about myself. I was simple a woman taking up space, air and breath.
I've ventured out these last few weeks to re-discover who I am. I am loving my journey. My re-discovery. I've found many things since then. I'm finding my zest in reading books of varied topics. Spending more time with God in praise and worship. I joined a bible study that was eye opening and thought provocative. I'm back to fixing my hair and makeup every day so that I feel I'm ready no matter what the day holds. I've become more confident in the past several weeks. I've also found my 'Inner Goddess' that has gave me an insatiable desire for sex again. Which is really nice and I'm sure my husband is happy with this discovery. I've been purging my thoughts and not holding back. I've written long emails to people and journaled. I've started back working out which feels phenomenal!
Most of all I'm working on me and I'm finding I'm a pretty good person to work on. I've warned my children and husband that when I find myself I hope they all will still love me even though I will most likely not resemble who I have been the last few years. It's time for their Mother and my Husband's wife to emerge into who she knows she wants to be and please herself for a change. In no way neglecting my family only making it stronger and better by having a whole happy and healthy Mom.
I don't think it's wrong to want to please people or wrong to want to do things for others what so ever. But I do think when we start sacrificing who we are for others that it's a line that should not be crossed. If you find yourself there quickly jump back over that line and look around because you are still there on the other side somewhere. It may take you a little while to find yourself or you may end up being someone totally different but it's so much richer to be YOU than who everyone else needs you to be!
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