Bird Set Free

Men you may never understand this....  Well most of you won't a few may.

 

I had on my daughter's beats this morning and Sia started pounding out Bird Set Free and sometimes you just need to sing at the top of your lungs.  I'm sure my serenade was not appreciated by the 11- and 8-year-old as they left the room looking like MOM.  I danced around and sang at the top of my lungs just not caring what anyone thought because sometimes music just grips your soul and transforms you into a different realm.  I sang and danced until I was literally breathless and then started all over again.  It was one of those times when a passion inside of you connects with the music, the artist and the words to a level you can't explain unless you have experienced it. 

 

As I screamed "We hold on so tight, but I don't wanna die, no I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, And I don't care if I sing off key, I find myself in my melodies, I sing for love, I sing for ME I shout it out like a bird set free" My whole life resonating in front of me in my soul and memories.  Memories of when I had clipped wings and was held to the ground.  My scream inside that I could no longer deny making the choice between life and death then the high price of consequences from choosing to live and losing part of your life/heart that crippled me so that I was again wounded on the ground held down like I had no air left to breathe.  The years it took to fill my lungs with air that wasn't toxic while trying to learn to live without 4 parts of my heart that had been ripped away as if they had never been.  Sometimes I wonder if choosing to remain alive was the lesser of two evils or not. Yes, all of the past rushed forward.  Some people have no clue what it's like...

 

And yes, I'm going to go here because it's truth and anyone's truth is worth saying I no longer sit silently not saying what I want to like I did as a child so that I would not get smacked or as a young wife so that I would not pay the high consequences that I ended up paying anyways *believe abusers threats ladies* I found my voice and never again will I be silent. 

 

As a woman, your voice is often the most powerful thing we have and the first thing that is attacked to be taken from you by abusive and/or controlling people.  You are taught you cannot say this or that and if you have a different opinion, it is better to just stifle the words or there are consequences.  They are always right you are always wrong.  Of course, NOT all women experience this, and it comes in many forms.  An abusive or even just controlling parent, an abusive spouse, a boss who doesn't want to hear you speak because his 'buddies' are more valuable than your womanly voice.  You couldn't possibly be smarter than them.  It is an unfortunate truth.  Those who disagreed are denying the women who it happens to every single day.  Just because it doesn't happen to you doesn't mean it doesn't happen to others so count yourself blessed and try to understand those who walk a different truth than you. 

 

I want to talk to you ladies especially you mothers of daughters.  Speak up, speak out, even if it scares you so much you feel like nothing is going to come out of your mouth.  YOU are valuable.  YOU are worth your thoughts and opinions YOU are worthy!!!!  Not only for yourself, but your daughters are watching you.  Don't ever lose your voice.  If you are stuffing your words and biting your tongue and screaming inside, then most likely to some level your voice is gone. Mothers teach your daughters to scream their truth to the top of the roof! Teach them their thoughts are valuable, worth it and a treasure to be shared! I was not able to teach my older daughters that, but I am so proud of the beautiful women I see they have become who do speak their minds, stand their ground, and have THEIR VOICE.  I am teaching their younger sisters at a young age to speak up SHOUT IT OUT like a bird set free.  That nothing should be left unsaid, and all things can be said in a respectful way.  Women are so strong.  We are SO strong ladies.  We are a force that can change the world.  Find your voice ladies don't ever let anyone, not even your spouse crush you, hold you to the floor, and clip your wings so that you cannot fly and sing as you were created to do!

 

 

Now I fly, hit the high notes

I have a voice, have a voice, hear me roar tonight

You held me down

But I fought back loud

 

I don't care if I sing off key

I find myself in my melodies

I sing for LOVE

I sing for ME

I shout it out like a bird set free!!!

Now before I get any MEN are important too comments.  Of course, you are, but we are talking just about us for a moment gentlemen. :)

An Open Letter to A Mother-In-Law

I can say that you have tenacity that I can give you.  I an give you that you love your daughter and her children like their is no tomorrow. However, what is sad is that you will never know how wonderful your son is.  What a hard worker he is or how much he loves his family.  You could never respect him for loving me or the children we share and that is sad.  You prefer your distaste for his choice in a wife over just loving your son unconditionally.  So while I am so proud of my husband for very eloquently not indulging in banter with you  and just cutting you off as you requested he do.  As his wife I think breaking  my silence has been long over due. So as my last words that I will ever say about you or even think about you I want to be very clear. 

 

The way you tore your son down last night in your ugly message to him is the reason he has chosen not to speak to you.  Being around my family who treat him like the wonderful human being he is welcoming him into the family as if he had always been a part of it has really showed him what love is and what a loving respectful family was.   In him learning what love and family meant he realized who you and his father was all along.  I mean if you only know hate, dysfunction and abuse how can you be expected to know what a loving respectful family is.  When he learned that, he began to pull away from both of you.  When we moved from my family to where you live he realized he was in his worst nightmare and didn't know how to fix it.  That the illusion he had as a child was blown wide open and his parents were not who he thought they were. 

 

The many nights I watched the pain in his face as he saw how vile you and his father were to him, myself and his children.  How you cared not for us if we lived or died.  How you told him we were an inconvenience and in the way of his life.  How when he was gone for a month to work you did not once even call to check on us or call him to see how he was in another state knowing I had a new born baby. *but you miss your grandchildren?*

 

I watched his face in pain from how you screamed at one of his children for touching the chain on a lamp and said that there was nothing wrong with her she was not autistic she just needed a good beating and she would be fine.  I watched in horror at his face of learning you kept the horse whip in the closet to beat his sisters kids. 

 

I saw him stare especially at you the day you jumped up and down screaming at his pregnant wife yelling, screaming and cussing because she was going to ride in her own van with her own husband and children to the storage unit and you thought I'd be in the way and definitely our children would be in the way.  I saw him look at you like who is this ranting woman while I sat calmly smiling at you and then respectfully said I'll be in the car when my husband's is ready to go.  I think in that moment he might of realized the difference in manners, maturity and southern grace versus hooping hollering and trying to get your way by attempting to bully his wife into staying. 

 

I also watched his rage years later when he found out the ONE time you ever watched our kids that you beat our 3 year old and threatened the rest of the kids to not tell us and threatened to beat them if they consoled her. 

 

I watched as he fought against understanding how you didn't care that his wife was in the hospital on her death bed nor did you care to see his new baby.  When we did bring the baby over you laughed at the fact that you and his father could make her cry and called her names comparing her to him when he was little.  You never made a kind gesture towards her only doing anything you could to make her cry until as her mother I said NO she will not go back to your house since it was your game to make her cry. 

 

I watched him struggle seeing all you did do for others but wouldn't do for him.  I saw him crave the love he had seen and been given by my family to be given him from you but knew it was impossible for such mean spirited people to truly love him in the way that is loving, caring and respectful. 

 

I saw his struggle in being respectful to his father while he was on a ladder outside our house and his father was ripping him to shreds about how worthless he was and could do nothing right like he was a little child when it was really his father who had told him to do the very thing he was doing but told him wrong. 

 

I got to hear his words about you attacking him time and time again about everything from his "lack of doing what you TOLD him to do as a grown man" to  you complaining that I needed to quit playing suzy home maker teaching my kids, cooking cleaning and being at home.  You thought I should get a real job not realizing I had one at home online that to this day still supports this family and affords them everything they need.

 

I watched his face on phone calls with you when you and his father discouraged him from trying to become a foreman at work then also discouraged him and told him to stay out of work politics be happy with the position, keep his mouth shut and NOT to strive to do better at his job or become assistant superintendent. There was no congratulations as he progressed to these positions just shaking of heads as if it was a terrible thing to succeed.  I had him ask me the questions that I had no answers to about why his parents wouldn't want more for him or better for him  How does a wife answer a question she can not understand when why would anyone want their child to stay stagnant and not succeed or go as far as he can in his career and life. 

 

You told him everything he did was wrong.  When you saw him struggling because I was on 100% bed rest for 9 months did you offer to help? Since you say you bent over backwards for him.  Did you offer help to man who was trying to take care of a house, kids, homeschooling, cooking, cleaning and making sure I was alive on top of both of us trying to work online just to keep floating at that time.  No, you just judged him and said how I was lazy *you know because I was keeping our baby alive by being on bed rest then keeping myself alive from the life threatening blood clots I had for 6 months plus after I had her*  You judged him for not being able to handle all that I normally handled at 100% and acted like it was not Dr ordered that I was on bed rest taking blood thinner injections 3 times a day that he was giving me. 

 

I listened to him ask the question of "As a parent I don't understand how my parents can treat me so badly, I could never treat our children that way"  I can only comfort him saying he can never understand because to understand would mean he was like the two of you and he is not. 

 

You jumped all over him last night about not telling you that he had a son.  Why would you be interested?  We lived within 2 blocks of you and you never once visited and only was interested in one of our children even then only on rare occasions.  You were not around for the birth of the child we had there and were not interested in her other than torturing her so why would we share a joyous occasion with someone who doesn't even care about her own son enough to respect him, his life, his wife and his other children. 

 

I was so excited to meet you in the beginning because I wanted to meet the woman who should of loved my husband as much as I did and understood him the way I did but what I found was hatefulness and mean spiritedness. Maybe the problem was you treated all his friends better than him as you said to him how you did everything for his friends but what did you do for him?  You've always done more for others than him.

 

I was hoping to meet a woman who would build her son up, support him in his choices and encourage him to always do better but all I found was two parents who could only tear him down, tell him how worthless he was and how he did everything wrong.  It only made my heart love him more for breaking out of the shell of his raising and being nothing like either of you.  It only made me know that God truly stepped in and gave him a beautiful heart and a beautiful soul longing for the love he certainly never received as a child growing up and definitely not as an adult from his parents.  It made me proud that he doesn't keep a horse whip in the closest or beat our kids.  That he understand autism and loves her just as she is.  That he strives to be a good father and is so much better than the one he has. It's rare to find someone who breaks away from being like their parents but he did and that takes both strength and courage.   

 

I love that he is so at peace with the conversation last night and that he is truly done.  He said it best "I'm done trying, it's over"  Again it's really your loss because you will never know the brilliant, loving, caring, happy, joyous, handsome, loving father, husband and accomplished man he is.  You will never know the circle of friends he now has the respect him and love him.  You will never know the work colleagues that respect him and come to him for advice. You will know anything about him ever again. You will not get to reap the great benefits of the person he has grown into over the years and who he is still emerging into and becoming.   

 

The payoff is you can never hurt him again.  I will never have to see pain in his eyes from parents who refuse to love their son because they didn't get to pick his wife and run his life. 

 

I would like to think you would feel the loss but you won't.  You will sit around complaining over and over about how he wronged you until you actually believe the words you say.  Feeling sorry for yourself and begging for pity from others.  You will talk to your family and anyone who will listen about how he has betrayed you and how his wife has ruined him. 

 

It's quite all right though because anyone who knows us knows your lies.  Other's see the loving family that we are and knows who we are.  They love him, they love me and they love our children.  They don't see our children as an inconvenience as you have called them many times.  They see them as blessings. 

 

Most of all he has a family who calls him son.  He has a Father in law and a Mother in law who praises him and builds him up by telling him how proud they are of the job he has done as a husband, father and how well he has done at his job.  So he will not feel loss only peace again in his life by exiting from the presence of people who only choose to spout words of discontentment and ugliness. 

 

I can thank you for one thing.  That you have been the example in showing me how to never treat any of my children's choices in spouses or significant others. Not that I ever would treat anyone the way you have treated your son but it does make me mindful of treating my children's  spouses and future spouses with the utmost respect and love just as my family has done with your son.  It also has taught my younger children that just because someone is family does not mean they are nice or should remain in their lives.  It has taught them they do not have to tolerate anyone who tears them down or their parents. 

 

As for me, I have already forgiven you. It does not do any good to keep things in your heart.  There is no room in my very full, happy and joyous life to dwell on the negative shortcomings of others.  You are already a distant memory in our lives and can no longer hurt the man that I love.   

Abstract Chaos

I'm a 47 year old woman who still can feel like she is 6 years old.  This deep dark hurting inside sometimes slithers it's way up to my mind making me want to run - to hide - to cry - to scream - to yell - to force it out of my body - my mind - my soul - my very being.  It makes me feel weak like a scared child crying in the dark calling for the parent that should be there............

It makes me as a grown woman long for her father to just hug him and have him tell me the things that dads say.  You are loved, you are safe, you are beautiful and everything is going to be all right.  Something about a parents comfort even as an adult can make you feel like the world is alright.  It makes me want to run to him because he makes it all better. 

I was kept from him off and on and lied to about him so many years. Days filled with hateful words being said about him and said to me that I was just like him.  A mother slinging vile statements about my father then telling me I was just like him. Telling me she hated the way I looked because I looked just like him and telling me how ugly I was because I had his families lips, his side of the families hips and face.   

I think it made me love him more because surely he could love me since I was like him.  He did love me and suffered just as I did from the separation.  I was like him not because he was bad but because he had a heart so full of love just like I did.  His heart over flows and is giving and I was proud when
I had him back in my life to know I was like him.  Little did I know I would experience the same hell he had walked through with being separated from my children who were my heart when I fell into his arms as a woman in her 20s pregnant and missing her father with everything inside of her. 

But oh the wisdom he had for me, the love he had for me that took me through dark times of loss and devastation.  He just loved me it was that simple.  It was that easy.  All he had wanted was to be part of my life.The love he poured into me.  The love he showed me.  The love I needed.  The love no one else could give me that would help me heal some wounds that ran so deep I couldn't breath. 

So even on this day when life is not what I want it to be when it's tough and my emotions are welling up inside of me I want to run to him.  I want to hug him knowing that he is going through his own struggles right now.  Wishing I could make the world all better for him as well.  Knowing if I could do anything it would be to also take the deep wounds he has inside of him and make them all better.  The losses that he has experienced in his life I can't imagine but yet he gave his love to his daughter, to me, so freely no matter his own demons he was fighting.

As a mother my heart hurts so heavily wondering how much my own older children may feel in so many ways that I do.  Wishing I could remove any hurt that contains any part that was from being away from me.  Wishing I could pour enough love on the wounds to fill them to make them whole to make them not hurt if they hurt. Removing from them everything that is not filled with joyful happy thoughts.  Take all their pain give it to me. 

I don't know what is harder being in pain or watching those you love deeply being in pain.  One thing I do know is that to love deeply means to hurt deeply but to hurt deeply means to experience joy and happiness just as deeply. 

So now I'll dry my tears. I'll shove the darkness that tries to consume me right back where it came from and I'll smile, laugh even and walk through my day smiling so that others will not have to see what tries to consumes me. 

The Key

Sometimes I want to tell you The words on the tip of my tongue Springing to life the emotion That tosses inside of me like fiery flames However... The lips guard the inner depths of my being With a lock and key not easily broken Sometimes I want to say things But... Toss them in  my mind too much Like an ocean debating their cause Then they lose their flame I find them so silly and Decide they are not worth saying Sometimes I try to say things It seems it's at the wrong moment And... Misunderstood or mistaken With the emotion not behind it that I had intended Then it reminds me why I do not put the key in the lock The lock that guards my heart, spirit and soul  While I have found my voice to articulate  Found it to express the things that I need  The things needing done, prepared, planned  That was a separate key you see It was not the key That.... Shares the deep dark feelings hidden away inside of me The feelings of joy, overwhelming passion, love And of course those haunting wounds That lie like monsters in the dark depths of my insides.  That key, yes that key is the one I would love to slam in the lock And... Let it all pour out But I guard my inside I guard it tight and keep that key hidden With silence not allowing it to be spoken Nor cross my lips Only haunt my mind As it screams Thrashes about Begging to come out And.... No one can hear it Only myself So I guard it tighter Wondering if I will ever feel safe enough To pour out what's inside So that light can fill the dark spaces Occasionally the lock gets old, rusty It burst forth With things spilling out  You just never know If it's the joy, love or the pain That is able to finally penetrate That rusty controlled tight never ceasing To guard lock And... Almost always I regret it It seems the very things That I had guarded are always said To the wrong ones And then are taken, twisted Used in return to offer More pain..... That must be buried And.... Added to those dark depths  A stronger lock A better key More controlled than before Never allowing my tongue The free reign It desperately desires to have For fear of harming others For fear of being harmed For sacrifice of showing Unconditional Love

Boldly She comes

I felt a boldness rise up in me and where it come from I knew.  From the depths of the truth of who I am.  Of who I know I was as a little girl before everyone broke me and pulled me down and told me I was nothing, I was nobody, I was fat, I was ugly, I was worthless, I was no good, I was a liar, I was lazy. No matter what I did or said it was never enough.  

I learned to not be me, to satisfy their words that spewed out of their mouths like hot fiery venom pointed in my direction. Burning me, searing me with their ugliness to make themselves feel superior. So I became what they needed and did not rock the boat nor open my mouth with anything that was my own words or feelings.

Until one day without a life vest, I jumped and floated away and at first with a few who swam along my side.  Then, alone,  as the words of those who cursed me for daring to live made the waves too rough. They penetrated the ears of the ones trying to throw me a life vest, and they were swallowed up in the ocean leaving me with no one but the unborn child in my stomach fighting for this life with me.   

Now many years have gone by and their words seem small to me.  Their words seem more a reflection of who they are because they are definitely not words of who I am or who I was even many years ago when they were slammed into my mind, heart, and soul. 

Today I felt a boldness rise up and peak out from the inside.  Like it was readying me to soar above all those words and be who I am.  A Great and Fiery Wild Woman!  Walking boldly in to her future with her head held high.  I am beautiful, I am brave, I am a woman of truth and I will bow before no one.

Survive or Thrive

Life spinning around and around and around never ending always going full force.  Even when we stop it's still spinning wildly as the winds of a hurricane.  I stand still as the stormy winds spin every which way and the deep ocean waves rage inside of me.  Wanting better, wanting more, feeling broken, tired of the battle both external and internal.... Can I get up one more time?  Can I jump back in and start throwing punches once again?  Do I even care to any more?

Fighting to ....... Fight..... What am I fighting for again?   I think I might just be so lost in the mundane life of survival that I'm not quite sure what it was I was trying to fight for.  I wake up and as my eyes opened I'm here let's do this again.... Another day... then before I can barely make it out the bedroom another punch hits my gut.... sucking out the air in my very lungs and stirring the wild ocean sea once again .....

As the clock keeps ticking reminding me that we are breathing, our bodies are consuming we are 'living'? No no no no this is not living.... NO...This is not living.... This is survival..... This is just make it until .... Just enough until.. Just stretch until.... Maybe we can make it happen..... No no no no not one more day.... I don't want too.... I can't.... The punch was too hard this time.....

Then.......

I look at the beautiful faces next to me and on the screen that have birthed out of my body so full of 'life' not thinking of survival but giggles.... Life.. Love.... Hugs.. Kisses... Sweet I love yous .... Full of expectations...and I say YES this is why I am here..... THIS Is WHY I THRIVE.... I am THRIVING not surviving.  I am THRIVING not surviving.... I will THRIVE and be alive not just survive.....

The Threshing Floor

Sometimes I find myself on the threshing floor.  The tears sting my eyes and I'm angry that the pain is still there.  It hurts me that I still desire to have the person who carried me in her womb love me, genuinely just love me.  I know that would never be possible because of the pain and wounds she has already inflicted in my life.  The things she still tries her best to harm me with. The words tainted with hate and malice dripping from her tongue all the while with that sweet smile on her face.  Which is what makes this so infuriating for me that I still give a 'flip' about her thoughts of me.

I don't think it's that I even care specifically for her.  I think it's just like adopted children - the lack of understanding - the feeling of abandonment - wondering how someone can't love or give a rat's behind about their own flesh and blood.  Not that this is the case or reason why all mothers use adoption but no matter their reasons studies have shown over and over again how it affects the child and what they feel.

I wish sometimes I had a heart that could just disassociate her right out of my head, however, my irrational heart can't seem to stop the feelings or the thoughts racing in my head.  It hurts me that after all these years it stings enough to produce the hot liquid that pours from the windows of my soul.  It hurts me that she hates me. It hurts period and no matter how many times I 'think' I've worked through her rejection and her hate towards me, it always comes and slaps me across the face leaving stinging tears rolling down.

I will take a deep a breath and move on as I always do.  Just a little stronger, a little wiser and willing to find a way to heal these wounds. There is too much goodness in my life to dwell on any turmoil that is brought forth from someone who continues to strike out at you all because you released the truth of your molestation.  I just need a moment from time to time to regroup so that I can move forward. 

I am blessed no doubt.  A wonderful husband, beautiful children, handsome grandsons and my cup flows over daily.  I am truly grateful every day for the love and abundance I have in my life!  So this too shall pass.