Abstract Chaos

I'm a 47 year old woman who still can feel like she is 6 years old.  This deep dark hurting inside sometimes slithers it's way up to my mind making me want to run - to hide - to cry - to scream - to yell - to force it out of my body - my mind - my soul - my very being.  It makes me feel weak like a scared child crying in the dark calling for the parent that should be there............

It makes me as a grown woman long for her father to just hug him and have him tell me the things that dads say.  You are loved, you are safe, you are beautiful and everything is going to be all right.  Something about a parents comfort even as an adult can make you feel like the world is alright.  It makes me want to run to him because he makes it all better. 

I was kept from him off and on and lied to about him so many years. Days filled with hateful words being said about him and said to me that I was just like him.  A mother slinging vile statements about my father then telling me I was just like him. Telling me she hated the way I looked because I looked just like him and telling me how ugly I was because I had his families lips, his side of the families hips and face.   

I think it made me love him more because surely he could love me since I was like him.  He did love me and suffered just as I did from the separation.  I was like him not because he was bad but because he had a heart so full of love just like I did.  His heart over flows and is giving and I was proud when
I had him back in my life to know I was like him.  Little did I know I would experience the same hell he had walked through with being separated from my children who were my heart when I fell into his arms as a woman in her 20s pregnant and missing her father with everything inside of her. 

But oh the wisdom he had for me, the love he had for me that took me through dark times of loss and devastation.  He just loved me it was that simple.  It was that easy.  All he had wanted was to be part of my life.The love he poured into me.  The love he showed me.  The love I needed.  The love no one else could give me that would help me heal some wounds that ran so deep I couldn't breath. 

So even on this day when life is not what I want it to be when it's tough and my emotions are welling up inside of me I want to run to him.  I want to hug him knowing that he is going through his own struggles right now.  Wishing I could make the world all better for him as well.  Knowing if I could do anything it would be to also take the deep wounds he has inside of him and make them all better.  The losses that he has experienced in his life I can't imagine but yet he gave his love to his daughter, to me, so freely no matter his own demons he was fighting.

As a mother my heart hurts so heavily wondering how much my own older children may feel in so many ways that I do.  Wishing I could remove any hurt that contains any part that was from being away from me.  Wishing I could pour enough love on the wounds to fill them to make them whole to make them not hurt if they hurt. Removing from them everything that is not filled with joyful happy thoughts.  Take all their pain give it to me. 

I don't know what is harder being in pain or watching those you love deeply being in pain.  One thing I do know is that to love deeply means to hurt deeply but to hurt deeply means to experience joy and happiness just as deeply. 

So now I'll dry my tears. I'll shove the darkness that tries to consume me right back where it came from and I'll smile, laugh even and walk through my day smiling so that others will not have to see what tries to consumes me. 

The Key

Sometimes I want to tell you The words on the tip of my tongue Springing to life the emotion That tosses inside of me like fiery flames However... The lips guard the inner depths of my being With a lock and key not easily broken Sometimes I want to say things But... Toss them in  my mind too much Like an ocean debating their cause Then they lose their flame I find them so silly and Decide they are not worth saying Sometimes I try to say things It seems it's at the wrong moment And... Misunderstood or mistaken With the emotion not behind it that I had intended Then it reminds me why I do not put the key in the lock The lock that guards my heart, spirit and soul  While I have found my voice to articulate  Found it to express the things that I need  The things needing done, prepared, planned  That was a separate key you see It was not the key That.... Shares the deep dark feelings hidden away inside of me The feelings of joy, overwhelming passion, love And of course those haunting wounds That lie like monsters in the dark depths of my insides.  That key, yes that key is the one I would love to slam in the lock And... Let it all pour out But I guard my inside I guard it tight and keep that key hidden With silence not allowing it to be spoken Nor cross my lips Only haunt my mind As it screams Thrashes about Begging to come out And.... No one can hear it Only myself So I guard it tighter Wondering if I will ever feel safe enough To pour out what's inside So that light can fill the dark spaces Occasionally the lock gets old, rusty It burst forth With things spilling out  You just never know If it's the joy, love or the pain That is able to finally penetrate That rusty controlled tight never ceasing To guard lock And... Almost always I regret it It seems the very things That I had guarded are always said To the wrong ones And then are taken, twisted Used in return to offer More pain..... That must be buried And.... Added to those dark depths  A stronger lock A better key More controlled than before Never allowing my tongue The free reign It desperately desires to have For fear of harming others For fear of being harmed For sacrifice of showing Unconditional Love

Boldly She comes

I felt a boldness rise up in me and where it come from I knew.  From the depths of the truth of who I am.  Of who I know I was as a little girl before everyone broke me and pulled me down and told me I was nothing, I was nobody, I was fat, I was ugly, I was worthless, I was no good, I was a liar, I was lazy. No matter what I did or said it was never enough.  

I learned to not be me, to satisfy their words that spewed out of their mouths like hot fiery venom pointed in my direction. Burning me, searing me with their ugliness to make themselves feel superior. So I became what they needed and did not rock the boat nor open my mouth with anything that was my own words or feelings.

Until one day without a life vest, I jumped and floated away and at first with a few who swam along my side.  Then, alone,  as the words of those who cursed me for daring to live made the waves too rough. They penetrated the ears of the ones trying to throw me a life vest, and they were swallowed up in the ocean leaving me with no one but the unborn child in my stomach fighting for this life with me.   

Now many years have gone by and their words seem small to me.  Their words seem more a reflection of who they are because they are definitely not words of who I am or who I was even many years ago when they were slammed into my mind, heart, and soul. 

Today I felt a boldness rise up and peak out from the inside.  Like it was readying me to soar above all those words and be who I am.  A Great and Fiery Wild Woman!  Walking boldly in to her future with her head held high.  I am beautiful, I am brave, I am a woman of truth and I will bow before no one.

Survive or Thrive

Life spinning around and around and around never ending always going full force.  Even when we stop it's still spinning wildly as the winds of a hurricane.  I stand still as the stormy winds spin every which way and the deep ocean waves rage inside of me.  Wanting better, wanting more, feeling broken, tired of the battle both external and internal.... Can I get up one more time?  Can I jump back in and start throwing punches once again?  Do I even care to any more?

Fighting to ....... Fight..... What am I fighting for again?   I think I might just be so lost in the mundane life of survival that I'm not quite sure what it was I was trying to fight for.  I wake up and as my eyes opened I'm here let's do this again.... Another day... then before I can barely make it out the bedroom another punch hits my gut.... sucking out the air in my very lungs and stirring the wild ocean sea once again .....

As the clock keeps ticking reminding me that we are breathing, our bodies are consuming we are 'living'? No no no no this is not living.... NO...This is not living.... This is survival..... This is just make it until .... Just enough until.. Just stretch until.... Maybe we can make it happen..... No no no no not one more day.... I don't want too.... I can't.... The punch was too hard this time.....

Then.......

I look at the beautiful faces next to me and on the screen that have birthed out of my body so full of 'life' not thinking of survival but giggles.... Life.. Love.... Hugs.. Kisses... Sweet I love yous .... Full of expectations...and I say YES this is why I am here..... THIS Is WHY I THRIVE.... I am THRIVING not surviving.  I am THRIVING not surviving.... I will THRIVE and be alive not just survive.....

The Threshing Floor

Sometimes I find myself on the threshing floor.  The tears sting my eyes and I'm angry that the pain is still there.  It hurts me that I still desire to have the person who carried me in her womb love me, genuinely just love me.  I know that would never be possible because of the pain and wounds she has already inflicted in my life.  The things she still tries her best to harm me with. The words tainted with hate and malice dripping from her tongue all the while with that sweet smile on her face.  Which is what makes this so infuriating for me that I still give a 'flip' about her thoughts of me.

I don't think it's that I even care specifically for her.  I think it's just like adopted children - the lack of understanding - the feeling of abandonment - wondering how someone can't love or give a rat's behind about their own flesh and blood.  Not that this is the case or reason why all mothers use adoption but no matter their reasons studies have shown over and over again how it affects the child and what they feel.

I wish sometimes I had a heart that could just disassociate her right out of my head, however, my irrational heart can't seem to stop the feelings or the thoughts racing in my head.  It hurts me that after all these years it stings enough to produce the hot liquid that pours from the windows of my soul.  It hurts me that she hates me. It hurts period and no matter how many times I 'think' I've worked through her rejection and her hate towards me, it always comes and slaps me across the face leaving stinging tears rolling down.

I will take a deep a breath and move on as I always do.  Just a little stronger, a little wiser and willing to find a way to heal these wounds. There is too much goodness in my life to dwell on any turmoil that is brought forth from someone who continues to strike out at you all because you released the truth of your molestation.  I just need a moment from time to time to regroup so that I can move forward. 

I am blessed no doubt.  A wonderful husband, beautiful children, handsome grandsons and my cup flows over daily.  I am truly grateful every day for the love and abundance I have in my life!  So this too shall pass. 

Frustrations

I am a very laid back person.  I am not easily offended.  I forgive quickly and anger slowly.  It takes a lot to push me over the edge. I'm good at controlling my emotions and keeping them in check.  Shoving however I'm really feeling and putting on the brave face. Then examining my feelings and working them out myself between myself and God.   

 

Sometimes though, it is much harder than others.  I get frustrated when I see those closest to me become instantly depressed or angry or upset over something that I hold on my shoulders almost daily. When I reach out to request help to share this weight and am welcomed with adversity instead of unity it really sends a blow to my emotions as well.  I think it's more the haughty attitude that I watch come forth of them feeling entitled to have a two year old tantrum as an adult. 

 

Don't get me wrong we are all entitled to fall to pieces and maybe this is my issue holding others to a way to high standard of being able to control their actions.  I mean fall apart yes, but when you make others around you feel like your mad at them for your depression and your anger and your own disappointment I have an issue with that.  Right now I'm just frustrated at this person because I feel like I'm being punished for asking for their input and  unity when they are in a role in my life that I should not even have to ask for this type of support. 

 

I like to be up front and honest and when I came to them I did not expect them to have a tantrum stomp off and say thanks I'm probably going to stress myself into a heart attack now.  It disappointed me, it hurt me because I expected unity and ideas to be discussed on how to handle this situation but not what happened and then the silent treatment.   When I came back later and tried to talk and asked if they were mad at me (and was quickly cut off and could not finish my sentence) as they barked NO I'm just very depressed and then stomped off again it only left me feeling more hurt.  Which does not solve either problem at this point because now by the attitude and actions of this person there is a gap between us and the original problem that needs to be addressed.  We all have the right to our emotions and feelings. 

 

We can not choose our emotions they just happen. The only thing we can choose is what we do with them when they hit us.  In all emotions we have a choice as to how we react to them.  Now I'm having to make a choice with my pain in this situation and how to act on it.  I want to react like those who surround me act.  Like it's perfectly fine to  show our fanny but I know it would only make things escalate and it's not the right thing to do. 

 

I've always said my greatest down fall is the overwhelming drive inside of me to do the freaking right thing.  I know I say this with annoyance because many times doing the right thing has brought immediate and excruciating pain to my own life like I never thought possible but yet I can't bring myself to deliberately be ugly. Sometimes this is frustrating to me, not because I want to be a bad person but there are times I just want to do what I feel like doing verses what I know is right.  But I don't and I can't.    

 

I probably will not bring up to this person how they made me feel because with this person it seems to only  push them further away.  I will probably just deal with my own frustrations and wait for them to say something, if they do.  I have to say the older I get the less tolerance I have for these types of situations. 

Who Am I Really?

You know society.... ugghh.... I'm sure many will judge me .... hang me on the proverbially cross for this... however guess what I'm human???  I'm so tired of main stream religion that preaches hell fire and damnation... Guess what My God loves me... My Jesus he came and said LOVE EVERYONE... he said God created all, loves all and show grace to them and JUDGE NOT them as you do not want to be judged.... so those who are hanging all Muslims out to dry yeah YOU stop it .... let's forget the Christian religion has Westborough Baptist church who is insanity at it's best.   Radical groups are radical groups they exist in ALL denomination.  ISIS NO I'm not for them but don't tell me how to worship God and I won't tell you either! Cause I love my creator!  

I am a woman and I love being a woman and THANK GOD he made me one.  While we live in a world where women are made to be inferior and underneath men I just don't believe it to be true.  I believe as a matter of fact that Jesus walked this earth  to raise women back up into a place of equality  After all he abolished main stream religion and they are the ones who crucified him. He said LOVE GOD with all your heart and neighbor as yourself.   ARE you loving your neighbor even if they are Muslim or a different race or a different branch of religion than you?


Even  though the bible says there is no man nor woman no free no slave society says you are less than because you are the lowly woman.  I've had plenty show me that being a woman is an honor that men will never understand.  They are NOT beneath me but they are NOT above me.   We are equals as it says in his word. 


I can love our God and know I'm exactly what he created me to be. 

 I'm coming into that and I love it... I love being a woman... A mother ... what I a meant to be.. what I am destined to be a Grandmother a giver of life... a supporter of the person God created us to be.

I still have an connection to God just like very other living thing not less or more important than anything else!!! Because GOD created us all....