The Threshing Floor

Sometimes I find myself on the threshing floor.  The tears sting my eyes and I'm angry that the pain is still there.  It hurts me that I still desire to have the person who carried me in her womb love me, genuinely just love me.  I know that would never be possible because of the pain and wounds she has already inflicted in my life.  The things she still tries her best to harm me with. The words tainted with hate and malice dripping from her tongue all the while with that sweet smile on her face.  Which is what makes this so infuriating for me that I still give a 'flip' about her thoughts of me.

I don't think it's that I even care specifically for her.  I think it's just like adopted children - the lack of understanding - the feeling of abandonment - wondering how someone can't love or give a rat's behind about their own flesh and blood.  Not that this is the case or reason why all mothers use adoption but no matter their reasons studies have shown over and over again how it affects the child and what they feel.

I wish sometimes I had a heart that could just disassociate her right out of my head, however, my irrational heart can't seem to stop the feelings or the thoughts racing in my head.  It hurts me that after all these years it stings enough to produce the hot liquid that pours from the windows of my soul.  It hurts me that she hates me. It hurts period and no matter how many times I 'think' I've worked through her rejection and her hate towards me, it always comes and slaps me across the face leaving stinging tears rolling down.

I will take a deep a breath and move on as I always do.  Just a little stronger, a little wiser and willing to find a way to heal these wounds. There is too much goodness in my life to dwell on any turmoil that is brought forth from someone who continues to strike out at you all because you released the truth of your molestation.  I just need a moment from time to time to regroup so that I can move forward. 

I am blessed no doubt.  A wonderful husband, beautiful children, handsome grandsons and my cup flows over daily.  I am truly grateful every day for the love and abundance I have in my life!  So this too shall pass.